*sigh* I need some advice :(
04-05-2010, 02:14 AM
#31
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 1,962
"Sasha has a short fuse, but he's never abusive,"
What's your definition of abuse?
I read your post and it was deja vu. I am seeing this same scenario playing out with one of my children. People who make excuses for their actions/behavior are lying.
What's your definition of abuse?
I read your post and it was deja vu. I am seeing this same scenario playing out with one of my children. People who make excuses for their actions/behavior are lying.
04-05-2010, 03:24 AM
#32
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Illinois
Posts: 5,142
Love that avy--looks like the baby is adorable.
I'm also glad everything worked out. Some people just have a tendency to "blow up". My husband is the same way and every now and then, so am I. I told him when we first got together that if I yelled and screamed once in awhile to ignore it--I was only venting and as soon as I quit yelling it would be over, I would forget about it and he should too. However, if I'm really upset and speaking very quietly and calmly---run for the hills because things are very serious. LOL
I'm also glad everything worked out. Some people just have a tendency to "blow up". My husband is the same way and every now and then, so am I. I told him when we first got together that if I yelled and screamed once in awhile to ignore it--I was only venting and as soon as I quit yelling it would be over, I would forget about it and he should too. However, if I'm really upset and speaking very quietly and calmly---run for the hills because things are very serious. LOL
04-05-2010, 05:33 AM
#33
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Montreal
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Originally Posted by Shadow Dancer
"Sasha has a short fuse, but he's never abusive,"
What's your definition of abuse?
I read your post and it was deja vu. I am seeing this same scenario playing out with one of my children. People who make excuses for their actions/behavior are lying.
What's your definition of abuse?
I read your post and it was deja vu. I am seeing this same scenario playing out with one of my children. People who make excuses for their actions/behavior are lying.
He's never physically abusive, ever, wouldn't hurt a fly, doesn't even like to squish spiders (I make him do it anyway because they're disgusting) and when he's venting about something, it's never like he's b!tching me out. Never putting me down, or slamming something I've done.
My mother was very abusive towards me when I was living at home, she's different now, since my brother (her favorite) whom could do not wrong in her eyes ended up in drugs, alcohol, getting busted by the cops at school, prison, and now he's 22 years old and has two kids... I guess she realised that now amount of screaming and yelling and putting ppl down and controlling will change somebody. She's not like that anymore, but let me tell you I've grown up a lot since then, and I absolutely would not put up with ANYTHING like that from somebody I chose to spend the rest of my life with, nor would I ever put my children in that kind of situation.
I swear to you, he is the most wonderful man. Everyone has their faults, and I can't say he has none, but really, it is NOT the kind of situation some of you guys are thinking, I promise.
04-05-2010, 05:49 AM
#34
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: West Coast
Posts: 9,267
You don't have to justify your relationship to anyone here, but when you ask for advice, you're gonna get it, and get it, and get it ;-)
04-05-2010, 06:15 AM
#35
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Location: Montreal
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No, I totally understand. And I know many ppl have been in similar situations with ppl who HAVE been abusive, so they're just trying to help.
I guess I was afraid that either he would be angry that I'm reminding him of what a stupid ticket it was, and how much we totally cannot afford that crap, you know, opening an old wound, or that he would feel that I was accusing him of doing something wrong (which I guess I was, but really, I didn't care about the ticket, I was just upset that he hadn't told me when it happened)
I guess I was afraid that either he would be angry that I'm reminding him of what a stupid ticket it was, and how much we totally cannot afford that crap, you know, opening an old wound, or that he would feel that I was accusing him of doing something wrong (which I guess I was, but really, I didn't care about the ticket, I was just upset that he hadn't told me when it happened)
04-05-2010, 06:19 AM
#36
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: West Coast
Posts: 9,267
I'll bet he is relieved it's out in the open and dealt with.
04-05-2010, 07:11 AM
#37
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Location: Central PA
Posts: 5,573
Originally Posted by Baren*eh*ked_canadian
No, I totally understand. And I know many ppl have been in similar situations with ppl who HAVE been abusive, so they're just trying to help.
I guess I was afraid that either he would be angry that I'm reminding him of what a stupid ticket it was, and how much we totally cannot afford that crap, you know, opening an old wound, or that he would feel that I was accusing him of doing something wrong (which I guess I was, but really, I didn't care about the ticket, I was just upset that he hadn't told me when it happened)
I guess I was afraid that either he would be angry that I'm reminding him of what a stupid ticket it was, and how much we totally cannot afford that crap, you know, opening an old wound, or that he would feel that I was accusing him of doing something wrong (which I guess I was, but really, I didn't care about the ticket, I was just upset that he hadn't told me when it happened)
04-30-2010, 09:58 PM
#38
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Camas, Washington
Posts: 2,593
Originally Posted by nursie76
Originally Posted by Baren*eh*ked_canadian
No, I totally understand. And I know many ppl have been in similar situations with ppl who HAVE been abusive, so they're just trying to help.
I guess I was afraid that either he would be angry that I'm reminding him of what a stupid ticket it was, and how much we totally cannot afford that crap, you know, opening an old wound, or that he would feel that I was accusing him of doing something wrong (which I guess I was, but really, I didn't care about the ticket, I was just upset that he hadn't told me when it happened)
I guess I was afraid that either he would be angry that I'm reminding him of what a stupid ticket it was, and how much we totally cannot afford that crap, you know, opening an old wound, or that he would feel that I was accusing him of doing something wrong (which I guess I was, but really, I didn't care about the ticket, I was just upset that he hadn't told me when it happened)
04-30-2010, 10:43 PM
#39
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Muscatine, Iowa by way of West Virginia, Washington State, and Montana
Posts: 1,130
Originally Posted by JJs
you said......"because Sasha has a short fuse, and I always try to diffuse the situation".....
are you really saying you have to tiptoe around to keep him from blowing up? is this one of those, "look what you made me do" relationships? My daughter and both my sisters were in those kind of marriages... my daughter put up with it for 20 years - I knew the guy was an ass but I never knew he was as bad as he was.... my one grand-daughter has a restraining order against her dad for pete's sake....
My sister's husband tried to drown her in the bathtub - we were NEVER aware of anything like that in her marriage until she FINALLY ended it................
if you have to be that careful to keep from "making him upset" you have a bigger problem than being hormonal - and is that what he says when you do get upset?.....
and $600 is a HUGE amount of money for young struggling couples...
my daughter stayed and wound up with four children - and they all feared their dad... please don't put your child in that kind of situation....
he has NO right to be upset with you for mentioning the tickets IF he put them in with the tax info, AND the money came from 'family' money to pay them.......
if he has extra money that he keeps for himself, then I assume he paid the tickets out of that? But why did he not mention them - and you're right - what was he doing somewhere that he didn't need to be....
We never played the yours, mine and ours money game in our marriage - and we're going on 45 years this December....
are you really saying you have to tiptoe around to keep him from blowing up? is this one of those, "look what you made me do" relationships? My daughter and both my sisters were in those kind of marriages... my daughter put up with it for 20 years - I knew the guy was an ass but I never knew he was as bad as he was.... my one grand-daughter has a restraining order against her dad for pete's sake....
My sister's husband tried to drown her in the bathtub - we were NEVER aware of anything like that in her marriage until she FINALLY ended it................
if you have to be that careful to keep from "making him upset" you have a bigger problem than being hormonal - and is that what he says when you do get upset?.....
and $600 is a HUGE amount of money for young struggling couples...
my daughter stayed and wound up with four children - and they all feared their dad... please don't put your child in that kind of situation....
he has NO right to be upset with you for mentioning the tickets IF he put them in with the tax info, AND the money came from 'family' money to pay them.......
if he has extra money that he keeps for himself, then I assume he paid the tickets out of that? But why did he not mention them - and you're right - what was he doing somewhere that he didn't need to be....
We never played the yours, mine and ours money game in our marriage - and we're going on 45 years this December....
Hopefully, when you bring it up, he will have a good explanation of why he handled the situation the way he did. My guess (and experience) is that he will say he was trying to protect you and didn't want to upset you--but that is a form of control. What is usually the point, is to keep from having to face whatever the response would be, so it is actually a very selfish, manipulative maneuver--again either immaturity or something deeper.
Some of the people who have responded to your post are seasoned, experienced, been there, done that people. So take all of the information; sort through it; process it and see what you feel will work for you. You have definitely raised some red flags for many of us, and I pray things will work out for you. Big Hugs
04-30-2010, 10:51 PM
#40
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Muscatine, Iowa by way of West Virginia, Washington State, and Montana
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Originally Posted by Baren*eh*ked_canadian
Ok, so here's what happened. I did confront him when he got home, and I told him that I found some tickets upstairs while I was looking through the paperwork. He said he was really upset and ashamed that he had even gotten pulled over for speeding in the first place, but the really expensive ticket, the one about the registration, was being contested so, no, it has not been paid. It turns out, it wasn't even the registration, it was a payment for his license, and he never received the papers telling him to even GO make a payment, and on his license it says payment due Sept. 2010, not 2009, so he didn't know. He DID do his change of address, and I actually PAID for Canada Post to forward our mail to our new address... we never got his papers. So anyway, yeah, it was a stupid ticket, and the fines for not making a payment on the license are 500% of the price for the license fee... now THAT is rediculous!
So, yeah, he did keep it from me, but he was waiting to get an answer about the contestation. The speeding ticket was 158 bucks, he deserved that, and that one has been paid. He did agree that he never should have kept that from me, but he didn't really know what to say, since he was contesting the ticket in the first place, and would never have put that kind of money anywhere without discussing it first.
ETA: oh yeah, he was coming back from a spirit weekend for his accounting team in school. He's one of three ppl representing the accounting department in his university for the commerce games between universities, and this was one of their events.
Sasha has a short fuse, but he's never abusive, I just want to clear that up. I do tend to just let him b!tch and moan because for some reason, that makes him feel better,and I don't feel like arguing over something completly stupid. He's never ever been violent, not even verbally abusive towards me. Most of the time he's just kind of moody, and I dont' like to hear about the fact that I didn't fold his underpants the right way, or he doesn't want me to put this or that shirt in the dryer, or these t-shirts go in the drawer, and these t-shirts go hung up in the closet, not the other way around. I'm more like, whatever, if I don't see that shirt in the drawer, it's probably in the closet, duh. He's an accountant, he likes to be organized and has his own system, lol!
So, yeah, he did keep it from me, but he was waiting to get an answer about the contestation. The speeding ticket was 158 bucks, he deserved that, and that one has been paid. He did agree that he never should have kept that from me, but he didn't really know what to say, since he was contesting the ticket in the first place, and would never have put that kind of money anywhere without discussing it first.
ETA: oh yeah, he was coming back from a spirit weekend for his accounting team in school. He's one of three ppl representing the accounting department in his university for the commerce games between universities, and this was one of their events.
Sasha has a short fuse, but he's never abusive, I just want to clear that up. I do tend to just let him b!tch and moan because for some reason, that makes him feel better,and I don't feel like arguing over something completly stupid. He's never ever been violent, not even verbally abusive towards me. Most of the time he's just kind of moody, and I dont' like to hear about the fact that I didn't fold his underpants the right way, or he doesn't want me to put this or that shirt in the dryer, or these t-shirts go in the drawer, and these t-shirts go hung up in the closet, not the other way around. I'm more like, whatever, if I don't see that shirt in the drawer, it's probably in the closet, duh. He's an accountant, he likes to be organized and has his own system, lol!
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