Need help on having a lasting and happy marriage! How do you do it?
07-17-2011, 08:08 AM
#141
Super Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: currently living in WV
Posts: 1,386
Honesty is the most important thing. Don't "hide" things from each other..especially financial stuff. I've seen that with too many couples and it doesn't work...ever...in the long run.
DH & I just celebrated our 29th anniversary 2 weeks ago. :)
DH & I just celebrated our 29th anniversary 2 weeks ago. :)
07-17-2011, 08:21 AM
#142
Super Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Norway
Posts: 1,509
Communication is THE KEY! Remembering that we communicate with more than our words and that only 10% of what we say is believed... it's the other 90% we need to work on, right?
Words -
Our philosophy is "What I said may not necessarily be what you heard." "It may not be what I thought I meant to say either!"
We always check by using a little formula that works like a charm (for us anyway) by saying, "I'm not sure what you meant to say, but what I heard was...." This usually produces a look of shock and surprise and is often followed by being told, "THAT is NOT what I said - or meant!!!"
Our spouse hears through the ears of his or hers past, not through the ears of "our present." I can't tell you how many times I have sounded like "his mother" (w/o knowing it) to have him respond like a petulant kid. :-(
Communicate "your" need clearly - If I have worked hard in the bathroom, I prance out and say, "Tell me I'm beautiful. or I'll have to kill you! " He loves it, smiles and appreciates my humor. When we ask each other to "do something" we always say "Please" and always include the "When we'd like to have it done." This has alleviated divorce many times because my idea of when (or how) and his idea rarely are the same and I can end up thinking he doesn't care and he can end up feeling nagged. (which he is)
Discover your love languages... I need gifts because I didn't get them as a child. He needs words of affirmation because he was hyperactive as a child.
I NEED to hear the words "I LOVE YOU" - makes me feel secure and cherished.
He NEEDS to hear the words "I RESPECT YOU" - cause he considers being respected as BEING LOVED. (I also say I love you too, but am careful to tell him how much I respect him for how wonderful he is because I love that smile which spreads out from the mouth to the eyes.)
BTW I am 65 yrs old and these have worked for many many years. :thumbup:
Hope this was helpful
Words -
Our philosophy is "What I said may not necessarily be what you heard." "It may not be what I thought I meant to say either!"
We always check by using a little formula that works like a charm (for us anyway) by saying, "I'm not sure what you meant to say, but what I heard was...." This usually produces a look of shock and surprise and is often followed by being told, "THAT is NOT what I said - or meant!!!"
Our spouse hears through the ears of his or hers past, not through the ears of "our present." I can't tell you how many times I have sounded like "his mother" (w/o knowing it) to have him respond like a petulant kid. :-(
Communicate "your" need clearly - If I have worked hard in the bathroom, I prance out and say, "Tell me I'm beautiful. or I'll have to kill you! " He loves it, smiles and appreciates my humor. When we ask each other to "do something" we always say "Please" and always include the "When we'd like to have it done." This has alleviated divorce many times because my idea of when (or how) and his idea rarely are the same and I can end up thinking he doesn't care and he can end up feeling nagged. (which he is)
Discover your love languages... I need gifts because I didn't get them as a child. He needs words of affirmation because he was hyperactive as a child.
I NEED to hear the words "I LOVE YOU" - makes me feel secure and cherished.
He NEEDS to hear the words "I RESPECT YOU" - cause he considers being respected as BEING LOVED. (I also say I love you too, but am careful to tell him how much I respect him for how wonderful he is because I love that smile which spreads out from the mouth to the eyes.)
BTW I am 65 yrs old and these have worked for many many years. :thumbup:
Hope this was helpful
07-17-2011, 08:51 AM
#143
Super Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Grew up in WV but retired in Between, GA
Posts: 1,046
Never forget why you fell in love----do not forget the things that attracted you in the first few minutes, hours days you met. Laugh a lot, trust with your whole heart, choose to talk about an issue not argue and listen, listen, listen. Never hide things from each other no matter what it is---honesty is the best policy! Been married almost 43 years!
07-17-2011, 09:13 AM
#144
Super Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Piedmont Virginia in the Foothills of the Blue Ridge Mtns.
Posts: 8,562
Originally Posted by RatherB Quilting
I have only been married 6 years as of next week. BUT...my advice is for you as a wife. (but if you can get your husband to listen to it...all the better)
You know how when married girls get together, the conversation ends up on complaining about someones spouse? "My husband never picks up his socks...drives me crazy."
NEVER be tempted to get into that mindset! I was told never mention out loud your husbands faults no matter how minor. It makes you even more aware of that fault and breeds in you a mindset to look for more faults. (if it is something that makes you upset though...always talk to your husband about it. Don't let things fester! And never discuss these things in your bedroom...that room is for love and sleep only.)
Never EVER mention your husbands faults to another person. If I am conversing with a friend and they start complaining, I always respond with either trying to change the subject or with a quiet comment of praise for my husband. Not to belittle what they just said or be all "holier than thou", but to reinforce in my mind that I love my Husband...faults and all.
And NEVER EVER EVER mention a fault to another person with your husband present! That one is just common decency. :)
Sounds like you are going to be ok though! :)
(another thing that I was told before I got married was "Love is not an emotion...it is a decision you make every morning you wake up next to that person!")
You know how when married girls get together, the conversation ends up on complaining about someones spouse? "My husband never picks up his socks...drives me crazy."
NEVER be tempted to get into that mindset! I was told never mention out loud your husbands faults no matter how minor. It makes you even more aware of that fault and breeds in you a mindset to look for more faults. (if it is something that makes you upset though...always talk to your husband about it. Don't let things fester! And never discuss these things in your bedroom...that room is for love and sleep only.)
Never EVER mention your husbands faults to another person. If I am conversing with a friend and they start complaining, I always respond with either trying to change the subject or with a quiet comment of praise for my husband. Not to belittle what they just said or be all "holier than thou", but to reinforce in my mind that I love my Husband...faults and all.
And NEVER EVER EVER mention a fault to another person with your husband present! That one is just common decency. :)
Sounds like you are going to be ok though! :)
(another thing that I was told before I got married was "Love is not an emotion...it is a decision you make every morning you wake up next to that person!")
Jan in VA
07-17-2011, 09:25 AM
#145
Super Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: northern ontario
Posts: 3,648
yep....don`t sweat the small stuff...and never go to bed angry...
Originally Posted by leatheflea
Cant help ya, divorced. In a relationship though, 5 years or so. I've learned that it doesnt matter which way the toilet paper comes off the roll.
07-17-2011, 09:26 AM
#146
Super Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: northern ontario
Posts: 3,648
i agree, and don`t forget to have fun with each other
Originally Posted by mommafank
Never forget why you fell in love----do not forget the things that attracted you in the first few minutes, hours days you met. Laugh a lot, trust with your whole heart, choose to talk about an issue not argue and listen, listen, listen. Never hide things from each other no matter what it is---honesty is the best policy! Been married almost 43 years!
07-17-2011, 09:32 AM
#147
Super Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,352
My sentiments exactly...37 happy years.
Originally Posted by nycbgirl
I have been happily married for nearly 16 years and what has served me well is the thought: We are in a marriage and it's give and take and it's never 50/50 it's 100/100 on each side and if we have a disagreement I always remember the goal is not to "win" the disagreement but to settle it.
07-17-2011, 01:10 PM
#149
Super Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Grew up in WV but retired in Between, GA
Posts: 1,046
Originally Posted by jollyquilting
This is so inspiring to read about us being positive instead of negative. I LOVE being married to my best friend
07-17-2011, 01:19 PM
#150
Junior Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Gainesville, Ga
Posts: 198
Best advise I can give after 49 years of marriage is never talk negative about your spouse to other people. If you have something to say, say it to each other not others. It's really easy to fall into the habit of finding fault with your spouse, but it's much more productive to find their good points. If you're looking for the good, you'll find it.
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