Help! Need Motivation Quickly!
12-20-2010, 05:23 AM
#21
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Originally Posted by hazeljane
Originally Posted by leatheflea
I want to applaud you for making a quilt for someone that isnt quilt worthy. What angel you are. Your daughter and grandbabies are so lucky to have you. Maybe you could imagine that for every stitch that goes in and out of that quilt your sewing his mouth shut to profanity and negativity towards your grandbabies. Kill him with kindness, set an example to your grandbabies, we're all tempted to fall into his negativity, but kindness always wins.
Pray for him, and your grandchildren, in whatever way you choose to pray. (For me, often it's just an intent and good thoughts). That he realizes what his actions do to his children, etc. Not angrily, but as if you wish for his own sake, that he realize his ways are hurtful.
Sounds a little "woo-woo" I know, but I feel like it helps ME become a better person when I am able to let go of anger and dislike, and if he's your grandsons' dad- he is not going anywhere.
Be well.
Maggie
Maggie, that's exactly what I was thinking about doing. Each of the 64 long rows of Quilt In The Ditch could be a prayer for his calming down and being the kind of person that I wish my daughter had married.....thanks for your support!
12-20-2010, 05:24 AM
#22
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Originally Posted by mynani
I have to go against most of the board and agree with having someone else finish the quilt. Your daug. and grands deserve so much better than him. Spend your time making them quilts filled love. If he ever learns how to treat them you can make him one also filled with love. We too often condone BAD behavior by being accepting and silently offering up prayers. I believe Jesus wanted some action put into our words. Oh well I will also pray for your family........... I've been there, on both sides.
12-20-2010, 05:27 AM
#23
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Originally Posted by anniec55
Your daughter is sooooo lucky to have you as her mom!!! You have some GREAT suggestions provided here to help you I hope, but I want to tell you Thank You for being there for your daughter and GK's, you will never know how important that is to them. My mom passed away this year and she saw me through so many things in life and sometimes was the most help when so probably wasn't aware of my need but she was always there, even through a marriage where she despised (though I didn't know that until years later) my ex-husband..... I miss her more than I can explain, there isn't a day that has gone by that I don't think of her or "talk" to her or thank the Good Lord for letting me be so blessed by having her as my mom. You may just be your daughters saving grace and strength! I thank you for being there and being such a friend. May you have the blessings of the season and the New Year!
12-20-2010, 05:28 AM
#24
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As you sandwich the quilt wisper to it: "be a good dad, don't screem at my dgs or dgd or what ever you want to see improved on him. So every time he uses your quilt your words will be dancing around him! My sister is a firm believer that you have ask for what you want to get it and I am practicing as often as I remember. Give it a try!
12-20-2010, 05:31 AM
#25
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Originally Posted by dunster
Make the quilt, because it's really for your daughter. But talk to her privately about the problem and how it's affecting the children. This is child abuse, and someone should protect the children.
12-20-2010, 05:39 AM
#26
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Location: Pennsylvania
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How I wish I could be like the majority of the replies to this posting. Never happen ------- the only way I get through the fact that a son-in-law I absolutely detest is occupying a piece of real estate on the same planet that I live on is to believe in my heart that he simply doesn't exist. Make something for him? ---- I DON'T THINK SO!!! Good luck on whatever ou decide to do with the quilt - MERRY CHRISTMAS
12-20-2010, 06:20 AM
#27
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Prayer is powerful. Maybe kill them with kindsness... Maybe attach a note to the gift telling how much you love them and appreciate the good role models they are to their family.......NOT!
You agreed to make the quilt. Finish, knowing that you are doing the grascious thing. Maybe your kindness will make them finally come to the understanding that, maybe they don't really deserve your gift of love. At any rate, you are doing the kind thing. Feel good about making the quilt for the nondeservers!!! hee hee
You agreed to make the quilt. Finish, knowing that you are doing the grascious thing. Maybe your kindness will make them finally come to the understanding that, maybe they don't really deserve your gift of love. At any rate, you are doing the kind thing. Feel good about making the quilt for the nondeservers!!! hee hee
12-20-2010, 06:51 AM
#28
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Location: Jacksonville, FL
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Make each stitch a prayer for your DD a DGDs for protection against those harsh words. Now here's the hard part. Also add prayers for SIL that God might change his heart.
Finally, be prepared for him to be very unapreciative and critical of your gift. However, you are making it for your DD, not him!
May peace belong to all of you this Christmas and the years to come.
Blessings,
Peggy
Finally, be prepared for him to be very unapreciative and critical of your gift. However, you are making it for your DD, not him!
May peace belong to all of you this Christmas and the years to come.
Blessings,
Peggy
12-20-2010, 07:26 AM
#30
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: near San Antonio
Posts: 138
This sounds like my husband, before he was my husband. I do want to point out that while it most certainly is not a good example, it is also not necessarily abuse. Even back then (when he was still with his ex-wife), he would only curse at the boys when he was either really angry or they had just scared him out of his wits - the younger of the two had a tendency to punch windows and break them when he was little, for example.
Here's what I suggest, having been in a similar situation: for one thing, you are his mother-in-law. While he doesn't have to like you or do everything you say to the letter, you do deserve his respect and he should be reminded of this. Take a hard line on it. Yes, it may upset your daughter, but she should also be able to keep at least a loose leash on her husband. If she can't perhaps she needs to reevaluate her relationship with him, because he obviously doesn't value her opinion enough. If your SIL is unable to respect the woman who gave birth to his wife, perhaps he should not be around you. My FIL used to have a big problem with not being able to go much of anywhere without a beer in his hand, and I eventually told him that if he didn't want to rethink that stance, he would not be welcome in our home when the children were there.
Second, you should have a little heart-to-heart chat with your daughter. I'd suggest inviting her over for lunch sometime so its just you and her and you don't have to worry about being interrupted. I know a lot of women tend to either dismiss their husband's faults (especially to their parents) or complain about them too much (usually to their friends), but she needs to know how you feel about her husband's actions and attitude. Let her know that his language is completely out of line when he uses it around the kids, and that you won't tolerate it. If she knows your feelings on the matter, she shouldn't be as shocked when you get fed up and snap at him.
And finally, don't be afraid to tell him how you feel. If he gets all blustery and tries to use that line about "not telling him how to raise his kids", calmly point out that you have raised X number of children, at least one of which he seems to think turned out alright, since he's married to her, and then proceed to give him a dressing down like he hasn't received since he was in short pants. Don't worry about doing it in front of the children - they need to know their daddy's actions are not acceptable behavior, or they will repeat it. If he still refuses to respect your position - in your presence, at the VERY least - just tell him to leave, or leave yourself. It can be difficult, because it can create a rift between you and your daughter, but don't let the situation fool you: it's HIS fault, not YOURS, because he is the idiot incapable of respecting the wishes of anyone not himself. My guess is, even if your daughter sides with him initially, she will still want her children to know their grandmother in the long run, and will eventually bring them around to see you either without him around, or with the choker chain on her husband.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to tell you how to run your family. I've just been in a situation very much like this one (with my own husband instead of a son-in-law), and this is how I dealt with it, with a few tweaks for your particular circumstances. I know some people are not as blunt and confrontational as I can be, but in this case, it worked out pretty well for me - my DH now tries hard not to curse around the kids, and by extension doesn't curse as much at all anymore.
As far as the quilt goes (that was the point of the post, wasn't it? Sorry, lol) - just consider it for your daughter. If you don't get it finished by Christmas, don't sweat it so much - you can either bring it out for your SIL to see what he's GOING to get when you do finish it, or you can take your daughter aside and let her know it's going to be a bit past Christmas before it's done.
Good luck, and we'll all be praying for you and your family this wonderful holiday season! Don't let the stress of it all get to you - we've got a Birthday to celebrate!
With all the love and prayer in the world,
Sloan
Here's what I suggest, having been in a similar situation: for one thing, you are his mother-in-law. While he doesn't have to like you or do everything you say to the letter, you do deserve his respect and he should be reminded of this. Take a hard line on it. Yes, it may upset your daughter, but she should also be able to keep at least a loose leash on her husband. If she can't perhaps she needs to reevaluate her relationship with him, because he obviously doesn't value her opinion enough. If your SIL is unable to respect the woman who gave birth to his wife, perhaps he should not be around you. My FIL used to have a big problem with not being able to go much of anywhere without a beer in his hand, and I eventually told him that if he didn't want to rethink that stance, he would not be welcome in our home when the children were there.
Second, you should have a little heart-to-heart chat with your daughter. I'd suggest inviting her over for lunch sometime so its just you and her and you don't have to worry about being interrupted. I know a lot of women tend to either dismiss their husband's faults (especially to their parents) or complain about them too much (usually to their friends), but she needs to know how you feel about her husband's actions and attitude. Let her know that his language is completely out of line when he uses it around the kids, and that you won't tolerate it. If she knows your feelings on the matter, she shouldn't be as shocked when you get fed up and snap at him.
And finally, don't be afraid to tell him how you feel. If he gets all blustery and tries to use that line about "not telling him how to raise his kids", calmly point out that you have raised X number of children, at least one of which he seems to think turned out alright, since he's married to her, and then proceed to give him a dressing down like he hasn't received since he was in short pants. Don't worry about doing it in front of the children - they need to know their daddy's actions are not acceptable behavior, or they will repeat it. If he still refuses to respect your position - in your presence, at the VERY least - just tell him to leave, or leave yourself. It can be difficult, because it can create a rift between you and your daughter, but don't let the situation fool you: it's HIS fault, not YOURS, because he is the idiot incapable of respecting the wishes of anyone not himself. My guess is, even if your daughter sides with him initially, she will still want her children to know their grandmother in the long run, and will eventually bring them around to see you either without him around, or with the choker chain on her husband.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to tell you how to run your family. I've just been in a situation very much like this one (with my own husband instead of a son-in-law), and this is how I dealt with it, with a few tweaks for your particular circumstances. I know some people are not as blunt and confrontational as I can be, but in this case, it worked out pretty well for me - my DH now tries hard not to curse around the kids, and by extension doesn't curse as much at all anymore.
As far as the quilt goes (that was the point of the post, wasn't it? Sorry, lol) - just consider it for your daughter. If you don't get it finished by Christmas, don't sweat it so much - you can either bring it out for your SIL to see what he's GOING to get when you do finish it, or you can take your daughter aside and let her know it's going to be a bit past Christmas before it's done.
Good luck, and we'll all be praying for you and your family this wonderful holiday season! Don't let the stress of it all get to you - we've got a Birthday to celebrate!
With all the love and prayer in the world,
Sloan
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